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Top Ten Things “To” Give Your Pastor for Pastor Appreciation Month

Breakthrough!

I was blown away by the response to Top Ten What “To Not” Give Your Pastor for Pastor Appreciation Month, that I did extensive research (just kidding) and came up with the following Top Ten Things “To” Give Your Pastor For Pastor Appreciation Month (better known as the month created by Christian bookstores).

Enjoy…

10.  Cash

9.  Amazon Gift Cards – I’m talking about the website, not the South American river, although that would be pretty cool too.

8.  An applause sound effect button installed in the floor near where he’s preaching.  Sometimes, the congregation needs a little help understanding when to applaud during a sermon.  (Warning!!!  Make sure there’s an sensor that turns the sound effects to standby mode during funerals and denominational meetings.)

7.  Restaurant Gift Cards – It doesn’t matter where.  (Although you should probably avoid all restaurants in the vein of Hooters)

6.  A t-shirt with the words Instant Pastor, Just Add Coffee on the front.

5.  Nah, just give him the coffee instead.

4.  Real Time-Off – This means time-off from you too.  If you’re with him, he’s still working, no matter what he says.

3.  Cruise Gift Cards – The best way for a pastor to get real time off from his phone, internet, and generally craziness.  (Although some cruises sponsor their own craziness).

2.  Pew-Sized Whoopee Cushion – This was originally in my “What Not To Give Your Pastor” list, but I had so many pastors (and pastor’s spouses) tell me that they really would like to own this super flatulence noise creator that I decided to put it at #2 on this list, no pun intended.

1.  Cash

P.S.  Most pastors would rather you tithe faithfully than give them gifts.  🙂

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Why I Choose To Be Thin-Skinned

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King David was a king, a warrior, and a man after God’s own heart.  He was also an artist, a musician and a writer.  Who else but a sensitive person with an artistic heart could have written so many heart felt psalms?  Who else but a talented artist could have played so skillfully that demons fled from Saul as he listened?  The church needs artists today.  We need people who cry when listening to beautiful pieces of music.  We need people who stop running so frantically and see the beauty, hurt, and awe around us.  We need people who pay more attention to God’s creation than business plans.  We need people who feel deeply and have the ability to communicate those feelings to everyone else.

Rory Noland, in The Heart of the Artist, writes that “Everyone with an artistic temperament has been told at some point in his or her life to develop a thicker skin.  That’s nonsense!  The world doesn’t need more thick-skinned people.  It needs more people who are sensitive and tender.”  I agree with Rory’s sentiment for the most part.  I suggest that artists, in the church at least, need to be thin-skinned people when experiencing beauty and hearing from God but who also have the ability to put on full-body armor when experiencing evaluation and criticism.

I am a firm believer that God determines what He wants someone to do by who He made them to be.  I also believe that everyday, as we grow closer to Him, experience life’s victories and defeats, learn new skills, and tolerate pain and resistance, that we are in a constant state of becoming.  So, the two questions are, “Who did God create you to be?” and “How has God being creating you recently?” 

Did He create you to be an artist of some kind?  Then keep reading.

The world pushes artists of all kinds down from the time they are young.  Think about it.  Adults ignore or laugh at children’s artwork when presented to them, kids taking artistic lessons are often downplayed by those in sports leagues, Jr. High students are merciless in their teasing of anyone trying to express themselves in any way, high school and college standards weed out those who simply want to create art for enjoyment, and then adulthood comes along and presents us with the immediate priorities of financial obligations, thank you very much.  I know, I know.  Life happens and people have to grow up and find real jobs in order to stay alive.  That’s true, but what fun is life is there isn’t some kind of beauty that we can experience along the way?  What good is the money we make if we are numb to art and beauty?

I want to encourage artists, especially those in the church, to not be afraid of your own sensitivity.  Feel what’s going on around you.  Experience it.  Live it.  Make it a part of you.  Then communicate it to the world around you in beautiful, unique ways.  Write, sing, sculpt, paint, draw, play, act, compose, speak, direct, form, whatever…

Just don’t stop.  If you do, it’s not just you who loses.  It’s all of us.  

 

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Results Of My Upper GI Endoscopy

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Ok, so I was trying to be somewhat creative with this post, but I’m still kind of loopy from the anesthesia, so I’ll just cut to the chase:

I had my upper GI Endoscopy today and got the results immediately after.  The procedure itself went fine.  (I’ll write more on it in a later post).  Before I knew it, everything was over and my wife and I were talking to my doctor about his findings.

Basically, my duodenum was fine.  My stomach was fine.  However, I was diagnosed with esophagitis.  Basically, my esophagus is irritated and inflamed from acid reflux.  People with this condition often have serious heartburn, but to this point, this has not been one of my symptoms.

So, here’s what I have to do:

  1. Commit to a healthy (non-acid producing) diet.
  2. Use a protein pump inhibitor PO daily (at least for the next 3 months)
  3. Repeat the upper endoscopy in 3 months to check the healing of my esophagus.

Thanks so much, everyone, for your prayers and encouragement.  I’ll continue to update you with my progress.

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The downlow regarding my esophagus

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Thanks so much for your encouragement since I shared the results of my physical a few weeks ago.  Your feedback and concern both online and in person has helped me realize the commonality of health problems and the overwhelming support of my friends.

One possible culprit

After my last blog posting, one of my sisters called me and explained that she has experienced a very similar issue when swallowing her food.  In fact, she’s been diagnosed with Sjogrens (pronounced Show Grins) syndrome.  It’s systemic autoimmune disorder where immune cells destroy the glands that produce tears and saliva.  For her condition, she takes Evoxac or Salagen.

Thanks again, everyone, for your concern.

John

My esophagogastroduodenoscopy is scheduled for Friday, August 30th at Oschner Hospital in Jefferson.

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The True Yet Sad Story of the Great 4th of July Search For McDonald’s Ice Cream

6502-softserve

Over the years, whenever my wife and I want ice cream from McDonald’s, something will inevitably be wrong with the soft serve machine.  Today, the 4th of July (a day when I really wanted ice cream) proved to be no exception:

McDonald’s #1 

Me:  (Walks up to Counter) Happy 4th of July!

McDonald’s Worker #1 – What?

Me:  Happy 4th of July!

McDonald’s Worker #1 – Ok.  Can I take your order?

Me:  Yes, two ice cream cones please.

McDonald’s Worker #1 – The ice cream machine is being cleaned.

Me:  Will it be a long time?

McDonald’s Worker #1 – Yes, a very long time.

McDonald’s #2

Me:  (Pulls up to drive through speaker with hopeful wife) 

McDonald’s Worker #2  (Over intercom) – Can I take your order?

Me:  Yes, two ice cream cones please.

McDonald’s Worker #2 – “Our ice cream machine ain’t working right now.”

Wife:  You’ve got to be kidding.  Let’s just give up.

Me:  Never.  This is a mission.

McDonald’s #3

Me:  (Pulls up to drive through speaker) How many is this?

Wife:  Three. 

McDonald’s Worker #3 (Over intercom) – Take your order?

Me:  Yes, two ice cream cones please.

McDonald’s Worker #3 – “The soft serve machine is broken.”

Me:  Really?  This is the third McDonald’s we’ve been to in the last fifteen minutes.  Are they all on schedule to be broken today on the 4th of July?

McDonald’s Worker #3 – I don’t know.  That machine breaks down all the time.

McDonald’s #4

Me:  (Pulls up to drive through speaker) How…

Wife:  (Interrupts) Four. 

McDonald’s Worker #4 – Can I take your order?

Me:  Yes, two ice cream cones please.

(Extremely Long Pause) 

McDonald’s Worker #4 – Is that all?

Me:  Yes.  (withheld jubilation)

McDonald’s Worker #4 – “$2.16.  Pull around.”

Me:  Success.

Wife:  (Rolls her eyes)

(Hallelujah Chorus plays loudly in car)

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Born to Run? – Beginning Week #9 of 10k Trainer App

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Christopher McDougall, in Born to Run, observed the following:

Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up, it knows it must outrun the fastest lion or it will be killed.  Every morning in Africa, a lion wakes up.  It knows it must run faster than the slowest gazelle, or it will starve.  It doesn’t matter whether you’re the lion or a gazelle – when the sun comes up, you’d better be running.”

I wonder the gazelles or the lions trained to run using the 10k trainer app that I’m using.  I doubt it, because they’re running to survive and not for fitness sake.  Today, as I finished up Week #8 in my program, I was supposed to run for 30 minutes or 3 miles plus 10 minutes of warm up and cool down.  I did it, but I thought I was going to pass out.  I keep hearing that there’s a magical moment when runner’s euphoria comes over you.  I’ve felt some satisfaction in the completion of a run, but the only euphoria I’ve felt is when I get to stop.

I’m supposed to start my 9th week of the program this week.  The workout for the first day lasts 54 minutes.  I’m supposed to have a simple 5 minute warmup, run for 10 minutes, walk for 1 minute, then repeat the last two 3 more times before walking for a 5 minute cool down.  I’m not looking forward to this because of two facts about running:  It stinks and I hate it.

I’ll let you know if my feelings change.

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The Day Deacon Bill Performed a Monkey Hysterectomy

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Deacon Bill never passed up a senior adult trip.  On one occasion, everyone had spent a fine day with my wife and I touring Colonial Williamsburg.  On the drive home, they opened their shopping bags to reveal scented candles, purple and red hats, boxes of fudge, and one stuffed monkey.  The monkey whistled loudly each time his motion sensor was activated.  For ten minutes, the ladies hooted with glee as the monkey made whistling passes at them.  Finally, they asked its owner to put the toy away, thinking its dark bag would stop the whistling.  However, the van’s shocks weren’t working too well, and with every bump, the monkey shook and the wolf calling continued.  It soon went from being really funny to extremely annoying.

“Pass me that monkey,” said Deacon Bill as he pulled out his pocketknife.

“Don’t break it,” the owner cried.  “It’s for my granddaughter.”

“I won’t,” he replied as he grabbed the monkey viciously.

A moment later, the whistling ceased.  A hush fell over the van as Deacon Bill closed his pocket knife.

“Did you kill it?” I asked.

“No,” said Deacon bill, holding up the battery for everyone to see, but I did give that monkey a hysterectomy!”

I took a deep breath, expecting negative comments from these prim and proper Virginia ladies.  After a brief pause, the ladies roared with laughter and I sighed with relief.

When we finally pulled back into the church parking lot, Deacon Bill patted my shoulder and said, “Son, in ministry you have to be prepared for anything.”

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Disclaimer:  No stuffed monkeys were harmed in the writing of this blogpost

 

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5 Short Memorial Day Movie Reviews

5 Short Memorial Day Movie Reviews

movies

Heading to the movies this Memorial Day weekend?  Here’s a short movie review to help guide your movie selection process.

Oblivion

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PG-13 – Starring Tom Cruise and Olga Kurylenko.  It is one man’s futuristic journey of redemption and discovery as he attempts to resurrect humanity.  The overall story contains a good believable mystery perfect for Sci-Fi fans.  Only the foreshadowing was overly obvious.  Grade – B+

Mud

Mud Banner Poster

PG-13 – Starring Matthew McConaghey and Reese Witherspoon.  Adventure story about two Arkansas boys who find a man named Mud hiding out on a river island in the Mississippi.  This movie is an interesting story with a unique backdrop and engaging characters.  However, one of the boys curses periodically.  Grade – A-

Star Trek:  Into Darkness  

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PG-13 – Starring Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto – Captain Kirk and the crew of the Enterprise lead a manhunt to capture an evil murderous genius.  Trekkies will enjoy this film filled with inside jokes, an inspired villain, special effects, and the alternative Star Trek history line.  However, some of the inside jokes may seem corny to non-trekkies.  Grade – A

Iron Man 3

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PG-13 – Starring Robert Downey Jr. and Gwyneth Paltrow – Tony Stark/Iron Man finds his life destroyed by an evil madman.  Ben Kingsley does an awesome job as the televised villain in the movie.  Iron Man 3 is a good story which wraps up the trilogy nicely while leaving it open for further sequels.  However, someone really needs to have seen Iron Man 1 and 2 and the Avengers to fully appreciate this movie.  Grade – A-

Gatsby

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PG-13 – Starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire.  This film is a modern movie adaptation of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s novel The Great Gatsby.  Would-be writer Nick Carraway moves next door to millionaire Jay Gatsby and slowly unravels the mysteries surrounding his cousin Daisy and his unusual neighbor.  Although beautifully costumed and surrounded by interesting music, the storyline wasn’t believable in the way that it was presented. Grade – C

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Review of Oz, the Great and Powerful

Review of Warm Bodies

Review of Les Miserables

The Skinny on the Hunger Games

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Real Friends

friends-fingers-p49j1w

I went to a very small high school.  There were only 50 students in my graduating class.  I knew everyone and everyone knew me.  Even though there were 50 of us, we were more than classmates.  We were friends, at least on the surface.

During my lunch breaks of high school, however, I went to sit with my real friends.  There, on the same concrete benches everyday, I joined with a smaller group made up of band geeks, drama nerds, teacher’s pets, and journalism brainiacs.  We were more than friendly acquaintances.  We had been to each other’s homes.  We had eaten with each other’s families.  We shared an identity.  We were on the same team.  We were all friends.

However, my best friend in high school was Steven.  We did everything together. From band trips to drama club plays to church youth activities, we were there together.  We shared our hurts, fears, hopes, and dreams with each other.  Even after graduation, we stayed in touch.  When he was married in Arizona, I sang in his wedding.  When I was married in Arkansas, he served as an usher.  When he was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Disease in his twenties, he called me.  When my wife and I lost a baby to miscarriage in my thirties, I called him.  When he became the pastor of a church, I did a music and drama presentation for his congregation.  When Katrina struck New Orleans, he brought water and relief supplies to mine.  Today, we still visit, text and call each other from time to time.  Steven is my real friend.

Being real friends with someone is a lot of work.  It means being honest and open with them when you would rather be shallow and superficial.  It means being sincerely happy about the good things that happen to them even when you wish it would have happened to you.  It means making an effort to spend time with them even when the pressures of life and work make it extremely difficult.  It means getting up in the middle of the night or leaving in the middle of a meeting when they call.  It means sharing and celebrating the joys of life together.  It means experiencing and mourning the disasters of life together.  That’s what it means to be real friends.

How many real friends do you have?

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The Joy and Pain of Finding Gray Hair

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Bill Cosby once said that Gray hair is God’s graffiti.  If that’s true, then the Lord has been hanging around my head while I sleep because I’ve definitely been marked here recently.

It didn’t bother me so much until other people began noticing and commenting.  Even the young lady who cuts my hair said to me, “Oh, Mr. John!  Look at all the gray hair on your head!  You must be getting old!”  I thanked her for the kind observation and informed her that although it was appreciated, it wasn’t necessary to add the Mr. honorific title when speaking my name.

I read today in Proverbs that gray hair is a glorious crown.  I’m not sure that I would call it glorious, but it does change a few things.  The gradual graying (or whitening in my case) of my hair means that I’ve been around the block a few times (or maybe even several times).  It means that I’ve made some hefty mistakes and lived through them.  It means that I’ve had my share of joys and victories and an equal number of hurts and defeats.  It means that, believe it or not, I’ve attained at least a little bit of wisdom that I am now responsible to pass on to the generations that follow me.

Gray hair is a glorious crown; it is found in the way of righteousness.  Proverbs 16:31 HCSB

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