I ripped my pants at the pizza buffet


Last week, I ripped my pants at the pizza buffet.

It’s not what you think. I didn’t split my pants from overeating (although some of it was pretty good).

Instead, I ripped them on the seat cover in the booth where I was sitting. The table was so large that I had to sit down on the edge before sliding over to the middle of the seat. There were some rips in the cover and a few loose springs which poked through in the middle of my seat adjustment.

You can imagine my great surprise when I suddenly felt metal pinching my backside. I believe my exact words at the time were “Ow! ow! ow!”

I scooted back slightly and disconnected myself from the spring.

My wife, who had only heard me screaming and grabbing my own derriere, asked, “What’s going on? Are you ok?”

“Yes,” I replied, “This seat has just ripped my pants!”

“Oh my!” she cried loudly. “You ripped your pants? Stand up and let me see!”

The lady in the next booth, overhearing our conversation, inadvertently turned to see as well.

I dropped my head and looked at the floor, immediately seeing a small roach run across my feet. Suddenly, I lost my appetite for the food I had just selected.

I covered my uneaten food with my napkin and slowly stood to my feet, thankful that blood was not gushing down my leg and wishing my t-shirt was longer.

I was headed for the door, but my wife called our waitress over, who found the entire incident very amusing.

The manager walked over and said, “So what’s the problem?”

My wife, of course, pointed at my lower posterior.

The manager, much to my chagrin, carefully examined the rip and apologized before asking if he could pay for my pants.

I declined his offer and practically ran to our car, afraid he might have to take a picture of the damage for insurance purposes.

Needless to say, I probably won’t ever eat there again. If I do, I’m sitting in another booth and wearing industrial strength pants.

However, when my booty was safely hidden from the world in the comfort of my car, I realized that the same type thing happens in churches every week.

  • A senior adult slips on spilled coffee and breaks their hip
  • A careless driver accidentally dents the side of a visitor’s car
  • A high school senior sits on a collapsible table which, true to its name, collapses
  • A child trips on a camera cord protruding into the aisle and falls to his face, all of which is simulcast onscreen.
  • A preschooler is given snack food to which he is highly allergic.
  • A woman trips on an loose A/V cord

As church leaders, we have to help our leaders be on the lookout for accidents waiting to happen. We need to have emergency plans in place in case of the worst. And we also need to have our insurance policies in place to cover our own hind end, just as I was trying to do in the restaurant.

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