Next time you’re headed to Gulf Shores, Alabama and find yourself with several hours to spare, check out Buc-ee’s off I-10 at the Robertsdale exit. I was searching for just the right words to adequately describe Buc-ee’s, so I asked Siri who pronounced it as “Buc-eeeeeeee’s” and gave me directions to Bucky’s taxidermy in Loosas Armpit, Manitoba. My Google phone app came to the rescue and offered a description. It says Buc-ee’s is “a chain of convenience stores for snacks and drinks, plus eclectic T-shirts and knickknacks.”
Way off, Google. Especially since visiting Buc-ee’s is sort of like using Google for the first time – an endless supply of ways to blow your money and waste your time while seemingly having an ok time.
Let’s take an imaginary tour of this gas station theme park named after a giant rodent. First, you start seeing Buc-ee’s billboards about 750 miles before you arrive (exaggerated). They’ll have cute sayings on them like “Only 123 miles away, you can hold it,” “Jerky, one of the five basic food groups,” and “Restrooms so clean we put mints in the urinals” (not exaggerated).
When you finally arrive at the exit, the traffic line is backed up to the interstate. (Who do they think they are, Chick Fila?) It may take 15 minutes or so to follow the leader up the ramp, around their employee parking field, past their field of Tesla charging stations, and through the bumper-to-bumper traffic until you make it to one of their 200-300 gas pumps. (Not joking, the last time I filled up, I was at pump 250. I desperately wanted to pay inside just to say “Yes, $25 on pump #250.”)
After pumping gas and parking in southern Egypt, you check your step counter and begin making your way across the parking lot. Before entering the “convenience store,” you are forced by your peers to stop and take a selfie with the statue of Buc-ee the friendly beaver. You smile because you have to, take the shot and move inside past the rows of “snacks and drinks,” and wait in line once again for some of the cleanest restrooms in convenience store history. All joking aside, they are pretty impressive. These restrooms are so clean you almost forget you’re in a mall posing as a convenience store/gas station/Tesla charging station.
Afterward, you squeeze through the crowds and check out the snacks. Buc-ee’s is famous for their breakfast tacos, beef jerky, barbecue, chicken jerky, gummies, turkey jerky, beaver nuggets, elk jerky, klobasneks (I don’t know either), Bohemian recipe Garlic beef jerky, meat and cheese cups, Bohemian Rhapsody Garlic beef jerky, Sizzlin’ saltines, deli sandwiches, trail mix jerky, Beaver chips, Buc-ee’s Nug-ee’s, pralines, double fudge brownie jerky, and banana pudding. And that’s just on aisle one.
Then of course you have to buy either a Buc-ee’s t-shirt, a disposable cooler, some hunting gear, any type of home decor, or update your life insurance (when you start to doubt you’ll ever make it out alive). Then, you finally walk across the parking lot once again to your car, where you wait in line to get out of the parking lot, get back on the interstate, and realize you already have to use the bathroom again.
All joking aside, if you’ve never visited Buc-ee’s, it is worth the experience, just try to go when it’s not so crowded, like 5:30am on a Tuesday. 😊
JohnJFrady.com 